Love: A work In Progress

Hi guys!

So, in all honesty, when its come to this blog lately, i've had a bit of a "creative block" in a sense. But, instead of having a lack of ideas, its more-so an overflow of ideas. It'll make more sense as to why after I explain a few things.

Before I started this blog, I was battling my own "inner demons." I had hit my low. This bout with depression really overcame me. I was entirely unhappy. As melodramatic as it sounds, it's the truth. I felt true, genuine sadness and unhappiness with who I was and where I was in life. I really had no sense of self. & i'll say, if you've felt this, you know how altering it can be to everything you've ever felt was real before. I was pretty much always sad. It started becoming familiar. The feeling of sadness became something I was accepting and coming to terms with. I wasn't continuing to deny the obvious elephant in the room (which was my depression). I wasn't fighting it anymore. I wasn't looking for a way out, because I found one without even consciously realizing at first. All I wanted at this point was to feel sure of myself, and only myself.

I had convinced myself completely that the life I had wasn't real in order to subconsciously cope with my depression. I was convinced life wasn't real. That nothing and no one actually existed. Everything and every one around me was just some figment of my imagination. Everything in this world, I created. It was sort of a paradoxical mindset given, despite being incredibly reckless & not caring about anyone around me, I took a lot of new risks in my life. Risks i'll never regret taking because I am in a much better place in my life right now. & I wouldn't be here had I not stepped outside of my fear to face the unknown. I did have to find my personal balance though because being in that state of mind was also very toxic. But I think sometimes we have to recognize life as our own personal storybooks. The "Crybaby Mix 1" was pretty much a mix encompassing what I felt at the start of my journey. That mix came effortlessly for me because my emotions and feelings were distinct for me and all the songs I compiled really resonated with those tangible emotions."Helianthus", the first playlist I posted on this blog, also came easy for me because of how in tune I had already become with that sadness (which stemmed from my quest for self expression and love). So if you go back and listen, it has a sad but almost... excited feeling to it. I was excited by all the new risks in my life I was taking and WHERE they were taking me. However, as I said, I was centered in and by sadness. 

Now let me get back to my "creative block", as I mentioned at the beginning of this post. My "love: a short story" playlist, showcases how I started feeling lately: Happy. That playlist doesn't project contentment though. Instead, it exudes excitement of potential. And in all honesty thats a less embarrassing way of saying "still feeling pretty damn unsure about love and who I am". I didn't love myself enough to think I was enough for myself so I searched for any form of love others were willing to give me. How pathetic of me to title it "love: a short story" so as to trivialize love. Anyways, after that playlist is when the "creative block" struck me. It wasn't the happiness that was unfamiliar to me. No, i've been happy before. It was fulfillment that felt unfamiliar to me. Shortly after that playlist things significantly changed in my life. Overall. My family life, work life, love life, everything. THIS playlist, "love: a work in progress" was harder for me to put together because of how unfamiliar the feeling of fulfillment is for me (which leads back to my "creative block" being here because i'm still getting used to not just centering myself and finding balance in sadness, but different emotions instead. And its overwhelming having more than just downcast thoughts). I wanted to make a playlist that showed the other, not so cynical side of love. It is essentially the sequel to "love: a short story". It radiates... calmness. Something, the short story didn't really ever accomplish since it describes both the chase for love and the cease of love, rather than the actual feeling of love. A work in progress means acceptance of growth. This overwhelming feeling of love i've recently felt comes from more than just others. It comes significantly from within myself, to myself. I finally feel sure of myself as a person, enough to sincerely feel and express the whole concept of love. I guess the cliche "you cant love anyone else unless you love yourself first" actually holds complete truth. I'd like to describe this accomplishment as... fulfillment. Fulfillment is so much more... filling. Something that means more to me than just happiness alone. With that being said, "love: a work in progress" is what love and happiness and gratitude feel like for me. These songs were so impactful to me & all have a purpose to this ever-growing "story". So I hope you enjoy, & thank you for taking the time to read this super duper long sappy post.

(also shoutout to those that truly showed me this life IS real & is pretty damn beautiful. You know who you are. I can't and will never be able to thank you enough for helping me see the things I couldn't see in both myself, and life. The past few months could easily have been the worst couple months of my life but they somehow managed to be incredibly eye opening and truly, truly beautiful. Ones that i'll never ever forget)