Aight so, we’re getting real person here. Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about what music means to me or why art in general means so much to me. As I’m starting to really “find myself” (lol) I’m also coming to recognize that it means so much to me because it’s helped me in so many ways and done a lot for me indirectly.
Before I tell my story, I’m going to preface, I have been on medication for anxiety/depression and insomnia in the past. Im telling you guys all of this because summer of 2017, before I started all of this Benevelont Flow stuff, a girl was really going through it. My parents urged me to try that route. My experience wasn’t the prettiest. When I was first put on medication, I was warned of my medication holding a “black box warning.” A black box warning essentially means the chances of suicidal thoughts could possibly increase.That black box warning held its truth to say the least. I was in a rough place mentally and in all honesty all I had motivation to do was listen to music. I didn’t feel like myself while on medication. I was so spaced out that music was the only thing that I could space into. I was making playlists left and right back then because it was the only thing I wanted to do. I made one playlist in particular during that period of time in my life that I collected over the span of months because they made me feel like I was in a different world. Being on medication made me feel… well, medicated. Maybe it was the depression and medication cocktail going on in my body and brain that completely pulled me out of my world but the only thing that kept me feeling somewhat grounded was listening to music.
I came across my old medication recently while cleaning my room. Upon finding those old bottles, I also decided to go back to a playlist I remembered I had put together during this distinguishable time of mine. It brought up an overabundance of emotions but it also brought up the interesting idea for me to write this post and share my experience through music. Most of these songs I listened to when I was laying in bed all day and night. I listened to them because I didn’t even have to really hone in on the lyrics or anything, they just floated calmly through my earphones. Some of these songs, just remind me of that time in my life. It’s all a foggy mess of a memory but the music takes me back. There are so many playlists of mine hidden under private and this one in particular never saw the light of day because I didn’t know how to explain what it meant to me in simple terms. There’s no real theme or feeling behind this playlist. It’s just easy-listening. I hope you enjoy, and if you take nothing out of the playlist, I hope you see that there are rough patches in our lives sometimes that nothing can really grasp the depth of.
There will be a form below where you’re encouraged and able to share your experiences with me. Share some of your own personal “black box” songs that simply got you through the lowest of low dips in life. I want to allow others to share to show that its not as uncommon as its made to be. I want others to know that their experience, whether pleasant or unpleasant, is something they don’t need to be ashamed of. So please, use this as a safe space to open up. Share this post so that others can have a safe space also.
(Responses may be anonymously shared in next issue of magazine)