The course of events leading up to me posting this go pretty far back so let’s take some time to backtrack. I started this mix months ago, maybe even a year ago. It was a mix outlining how I felt. I wanted to create a series called “this is how i feel pt.1”, “this is how i feel pt.2”, etc. I can’t ever really find fitting titles for things but this one seemed to encompass a lot in a brief way. As I worked on this I started becoming afraid of this mix maybe coming off as too vulnerable. Silly of me, I know. My whole brand emphasizes vulnerability to some extent. The ability to be transparent and show one’s true emotions is something I find power in.
As I got busier with my job, taking on more responsibilities, my creativity seemed to fizzle out and get put on the backburner. I even took a hiatus from working on the magazine, as other priorities flooded my reality. I won’t go into details here on what the past year has thrown at me because I know we all probably had a hectic year and I wanna keep this post short and sweet but I will say I was experiencing a lot of new things. I periodically went back to what I had of this mix, listening to it, and still relating. I didn’t think much of it but I never finished it nor deleted it.
A couple weeks ago I updated the software on my laptop. I lost a couple of files but nothing important. At one point I opened garageband up only to find a handful of those files on there gone as well. Ironically, this mix was one of the few still standing.
I’ve been really overwhelmed with attempting to finish this magazine in a timely manner. I forgot I had an entire blog to release parts of myself without the pressure and permanency of printed text on paper. I spent all year searching for inspiration, chasing it almost. The best things seemed to be there all along, or came effortlessly without the search party. I didn’t have to create with perfection in mind. I just had to create what felt right.
Today I had an unexpected day off of work and decided to finish this mix for myself AND for you guys. I took it’s safekeeping in my laptop as a sign that it was meant to be here. I hope you enjoy it! Im also going to include a piece I wrote that inspired this mix. Stumbling back upon this mix was a testament of love.
love takes us to familiar places
every place, every person, every thing i’ve tried to leave behind came back up in my path. it had me question why god wouldn’t let me move on. reacting out of fear, i kept running. i think i was too afraid to understand he was only trying to show me i was looking past what was right in front of me all along. i constantly tried to look for new ways to grow. i wanted to outgrow the things holding me back. nothing was holding me back but myself. that’s a scary thought. knowing you’re the one who bound yourself to the ground and yet you have no memory of it. i live in a lie most of the time. i shout inspiration in hopes of people believing what i fear i lack. i must admit there are plenty of times where love was nowhere to be found. sometimes people act from hundreds of other places. i needed to accept that. just because there was an explanation or a justification it didn’t mean it was done out of the greatest good. i, too, am still learning. i, too, still make mistakes.
i hurt & i hurt.
but what i’ve learned recently is that love takes us to familiar places. love always comes back around and love always shows us where it resides. it isn’t always found comfortably resting between the words I and you. much like faith in god, it’s something we must strengthen by noticing the hidden works. it’s something we have to feel, something we can’t force anyone else to understand or believe in.