Love Takes Us To Familiar Places (Mix)

The course of events leading up to me posting this go pretty far back so let’s take some time to backtrack. I started this mix months ago, maybe even a year ago. It was a mix outlining how I felt. I wanted to create a series called “this is how i feel pt.1”, “this is how i feel pt.2”, etc. I can’t ever really find fitting titles for things but this one seemed to encompass a lot in a brief way. As I worked on this I started becoming afraid of this mix maybe coming off as too vulnerable. Silly of me, I know. My whole brand emphasizes vulnerability to some extent. The ability to be transparent and show one’s true emotions is something I find power in.

As I got busier with my job, taking on more responsibilities, my creativity seemed to fizzle out and get put on the backburner. I even took a hiatus from working on the magazine, as other priorities flooded my reality. I won’t go into details here on what the past year has thrown at me because I know we all probably had a hectic year and I wanna keep this post short and sweet but I will say I was experiencing a lot of new things. I periodically went back to what I had of this mix, listening to it, and still relating. I didn’t think much of it but I never finished it nor deleted it.

A couple weeks ago I updated the software on my laptop. I lost a couple of files but nothing important. At one point I opened garageband up only to find a handful of those files on there gone as well. Ironically, this mix was one of the few still standing.

I’ve been really overwhelmed with attempting to finish this magazine in a timely manner. I forgot I had an entire blog to release parts of myself without the pressure and permanency of printed text on paper. I spent all year searching for inspiration, chasing it almost. The best things seemed to be there all along, or came effortlessly without the search party. I didn’t have to create with perfection in mind. I just had to create what felt right.

Today I had an unexpected day off of work and decided to finish this mix for myself AND for you guys. I took it’s safekeeping in my laptop as a sign that it was meant to be here. I hope you enjoy it! Im also going to include a piece I wrote that inspired this mix. Stumbling back upon this mix was a testament of love.

love takes us to familiar places

every place, every person, every thing i’ve tried to leave behind came back up in my path. it had me question why god wouldn’t let me move on. reacting out of fear, i kept running. i think i was too afraid to understand he was only trying to show me i was looking past what was right in front of me all along. i constantly tried to look for new ways to grow. i wanted to outgrow the things holding me back. nothing was holding me back but myself. that’s a scary thought. knowing you’re the one who bound yourself to the ground and yet you have no memory of it. i live in a lie most of the time. i shout inspiration in hopes of people believing what i fear i lack. i must admit there are plenty of times where love was nowhere to be found. sometimes people act from hundreds of other places. i needed to accept that. just because there was an explanation or a justification it didn’t mean it was done out of the greatest good. i, too, am still learning. i, too, still make mistakes.

i hurt & i hurt. 

but what i’ve learned recently is that love takes us to familiar places. love always comes back around and love always shows us where it resides. it isn’t always found comfortably resting between the words I and you. much like faith in god, it’s something we must strengthen by noticing the hidden works. it’s something we have to feel, something we can’t force anyone else to understand or believe in. 

Black Box Warning (Playlist)

Hi guys,

Aight so, we’re getting real person here. Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about what music means to me or why art in general means so much to me. As I’m starting to really “find myself” (lol) I’m also coming to recognize that it means so much to me because it’s helped me in so many ways and done a lot for me indirectly.

Before I tell my story, I’m going to preface, I have been on medication for anxiety/depression and insomnia in the past. Im telling you guys all of this because summer of 2017, before I started all of this Benevelont Flow stuff, a girl was really going through it. My parents urged me to try that route. My experience wasn’t the prettiest. When I was first put on medication, I was warned of my medication holding a “black box warning.” A black box warning essentially means the chances of suicidal thoughts could possibly increase.That black box warning held its truth to say the least. I was in a rough place mentally and in all honesty all I had motivation to do was listen to music. I didn’t feel like myself while on medication. I was so spaced out that music was the only thing that I could space into. I was making playlists left and right back then because it was the only thing I wanted to do. I made one playlist in particular during that period of time in my life that I collected over the span of months because they made me feel like I was in a different world. Being on medication made me feel… well, medicated. Maybe it was the depression and medication cocktail going on in my body and brain that completely pulled me out of my world but the only thing that kept me feeling somewhat grounded was listening to music.

I came across my old medication recently while cleaning my room. Upon finding those old bottles, I also decided to go back to a playlist I remembered I had put together during this distinguishable time of mine. It brought up an overabundance of emotions but it also brought up the interesting idea for me to write this post and share my experience through music. Most of these songs I listened to when I was laying in bed all day and night. I listened to them because I didn’t even have to really hone in on the lyrics or anything, they just floated calmly through my earphones. Some of these songs, just remind me of that time in my life. It’s all a foggy mess of a memory but the music takes me back. There are so many playlists of mine hidden under private and this one in particular never saw the light of day because I didn’t know how to explain what it meant to me in simple terms. There’s no real theme or feeling behind this playlist. It’s just easy-listening. I hope you enjoy, and if you take nothing out of the playlist, I hope you see that there are rough patches in our lives sometimes that nothing can really grasp the depth of.

There will be a form below where you’re encouraged and able to share your experiences with me. Share some of your own personal “black box” songs that simply got you through the lowest of low dips in life. I want to allow others to share to show that its not as uncommon as its made to be. I want others to know that their experience, whether pleasant or unpleasant, is something they don’t need to be ashamed of. So please, use this as a safe space to open up. Share this post so that others can have a safe space also.

(Responses may be anonymously shared in next issue of magazine)

Its Not Fall Anymore But Let's Fall In Love (Playlist)

Hi,

I wanted to put something together for you guys to listen to this winter.

I’ve found summer and winter to be some of the hardest times of the year to get through, personally. I’ve had a few difficult, pivotal summers that dimmed the sunshine for me. However, I have tried my best to take every summer since then, for what it is. Winter, on the other hand, has been a rough time for a long time. Most of it started from Christmas’s with argumentative parents. Then, when I was 9 years old my grandma passed away. It was the first death I had ever experienced. I’ll admit I didn’t really know how to process the loss at that age but as the years went by and I observed my families processes, it started to hurt more. My family took the hit hard. My Nana was such a ray of light, warmth, and comfort to the family. My family is full of clashing personalities and characters, all of which she was always able to settle and calm down with love.

My mom losing her own mother was a pain I couldn’t and still am not capable of wrapping my head around. She lost herself for years when she lost her mother. Every winter, we braced ourselves for the solemn December. Crying. Unanswered questions. Anger. Frustration. Hopelessness. In the end though, we always found Strength.

Not only have my winters been tinged with sadness through my own experiences but I believe its come with realizing the year and everything that has occurred within that year, is ending. December rolls around and we reflect on the past 11 months of our lives. The wins, the losses, all of it. I don’t like to reflect on my losses simply because I don’t see them as losses at all. I embrace and thank everything and every moment for entering my life even if it’s for a single second. I relay everything back to love. Even in hurtful or upsetting situations, I’m still reminded of and taught to love. I used to become saddened at the absence of love, forgetting there is never an absence of love at all. I’ve lost loved ones but i’ve also found and strengthened love with others through those losses. & when others aren’t around, I take the time to love myself even more. Falling in love isn’t about kissing and hugging, but sharing and growing. Fall in love with the sun’s warmth on a breezy day. Fall in love with the way your dog greets you at the door. Fall in love with the outfit you picked for the day. Fall in love with your best friends ability to check in on you occasionally. Fall in love with your body allowing you to cry. Fall in love with the coffee shop down the street. Fall in love with the dinner your mom cooked. Fall in love with the people, places, and things you’ve neglected. Fall deeper in love with those you already love. Love is limitless and love is ever-growing.

I always turn to music when my own words can’t express my emotions. So, I put together this playlist to show you what my winter sounds like.

I want you all to know that no matter what you’re feeling or going through, you aren’t alone. Life is beautiful and love is everywhere. Don’t let yourself fall out of love with life. Its not fall anymore but lets fall in love.