Its Not Fall Anymore But Let's Fall In Love (Playlist)

Hi,

I wanted to put something together for you guys to listen to this winter.

I’ve found summer and winter to be some of the hardest times of the year to get through, personally. I’ve had a few difficult, pivotal summers that dimmed the sunshine for me. However, I have tried my best to take every summer since then, for what it is. Winter, on the other hand, has been a rough time for a long time. Most of it started from Christmas’s with argumentative parents. Then, when I was 9 years old my grandma passed away. It was the first death I had ever experienced. I’ll admit I didn’t really know how to process the loss at that age but as the years went by and I observed my families processes, it started to hurt more. My family took the hit hard. My Nana was such a ray of light, warmth, and comfort to the family. My family is full of clashing personalities and characters, all of which she was always able to settle and calm down with love.

My mom losing her own mother was a pain I couldn’t and still am not capable of wrapping my head around. She lost herself for years when she lost her mother. Every winter, we braced ourselves for the solemn December. Crying. Unanswered questions. Anger. Frustration. Hopelessness. In the end though, we always found Strength.

Not only have my winters been tinged with sadness through my own experiences but I believe its come with realizing the year and everything that has occurred within that year, is ending. December rolls around and we reflect on the past 11 months of our lives. The wins, the losses, all of it. I don’t like to reflect on my losses simply because I don’t see them as losses at all. I embrace and thank everything and every moment for entering my life even if it’s for a single second. I relay everything back to love. Even in hurtful or upsetting situations, I’m still reminded of and taught to love. I used to become saddened at the absence of love, forgetting there is never an absence of love at all. I’ve lost loved ones but i’ve also found and strengthened love with others through those losses. & when others aren’t around, I take the time to love myself even more. Falling in love isn’t about kissing and hugging, but sharing and growing. Fall in love with the sun’s warmth on a breezy day. Fall in love with the way your dog greets you at the door. Fall in love with the outfit you picked for the day. Fall in love with your best friends ability to check in on you occasionally. Fall in love with your body allowing you to cry. Fall in love with the coffee shop down the street. Fall in love with the dinner your mom cooked. Fall in love with the people, places, and things you’ve neglected. Fall deeper in love with those you already love. Love is limitless and love is ever-growing.

I always turn to music when my own words can’t express my emotions. So, I put together this playlist to show you what my winter sounds like.

I want you all to know that no matter what you’re feeling or going through, you aren’t alone. Life is beautiful and love is everywhere. Don’t let yourself fall out of love with life. Its not fall anymore but lets fall in love.

Love: A work In Progress (Playlist)

Hi guys!

So, in all honesty, when its come to this blog lately, i've had a bit of a "creative block" in a sense. But, instead of having a lack of ideas, its more-so an overflow of ideas. It'll make more sense as to why after I explain a few things.

Before I started this blog, I was battling my own "inner demons." I had hit my low. This bout with depression really overcame me. I was entirely unhappy. As melodramatic as it sounds, it's the truth. I felt true, genuine sadness and unhappiness with who I was and where I was in life. I really had no sense of self. & i'll say, if you've felt this, you know how altering it can be to everything you've ever felt was real before. I was pretty much always sad. It started becoming familiar. The feeling of sadness became something I was accepting and coming to terms with. I wasn't continuing to deny the obvious elephant in the room (which was my depression). I wasn't fighting it anymore. I wasn't looking for a way out, because I found one without even consciously realizing at first. All I wanted at this point was to feel sure of myself, and only myself.

I had convinced myself completely that the life I had wasn't real in order to subconsciously cope with my depression. I was convinced life wasn't real. That nothing and no one actually existed. Everything and every one around me was just some figment of my imagination. Everything in this world, I created. It was sort of a paradoxical mindset given, despite being incredibly reckless & not caring about anyone around me, I took a lot of new risks in my life. Risks i'll never regret taking because I am in a much better place in my life right now. & I wouldn't be here had I not stepped outside of my fear to face the unknown. I did have to find my personal balance though because being in that state of mind was also very toxic. But I think sometimes we have to recognize life as our own personal storybooks. The "Crybaby Mix 1" was pretty much a mix encompassing what I felt at the start of my journey. That mix came effortlessly for me because my emotions and feelings were distinct for me and all the songs I compiled really resonated with those tangible emotions."Helianthus", the first playlist I posted on this blog, also came easy for me because of how in tune I had already become with that sadness (which stemmed from my quest for self expression and love). So if you go back and listen, it has a sad but almost... excited feeling to it. I was excited by all the new risks in my life I was taking and WHERE they were taking me. However, as I said, I was centered in and by sadness. 

Now let me get back to my "creative block", as I mentioned at the beginning of this post. My "love: a short story" playlist, showcases how I started feeling lately: Happy. That playlist doesn't project contentment though. Instead, it exudes excitement of potential. And in all honesty thats a less embarrassing way of saying "still feeling pretty damn unsure about love and who I am". I didn't love myself enough to think I was enough for myself so I searched for any form of love others were willing to give me. How pathetic of me to title it "love: a short story" so as to trivialize love. Anyways, after that playlist is when the "creative block" struck me. It wasn't the happiness that was unfamiliar to me. No, i've been happy before. It was fulfillment that felt unfamiliar to me. Shortly after that playlist things significantly changed in my life. Overall. My family life, work life, love life, everything. THIS playlist, "love: a work in progress" was harder for me to put together because of how unfamiliar the feeling of fulfillment is for me (which leads back to my "creative block" being here because i'm still getting used to not just centering myself and finding balance in sadness, but different emotions instead. And its overwhelming having more than just downcast thoughts). I wanted to make a playlist that showed the other, not so cynical side of love. It is essentially the sequel to "love: a short story". It radiates... calmness. Something, the short story didn't really ever accomplish since it describes both the chase for love and the cease of love, rather than the actual feeling of love. A work in progress means acceptance of growth. This overwhelming feeling of love i've recently felt comes from more than just others. It comes significantly from within myself, to myself. I finally feel sure of myself as a person, enough to sincerely feel and express the whole concept of love. I guess the cliche "you cant love anyone else unless you love yourself first" actually holds complete truth. I'd like to describe this accomplishment as... fulfillment. Fulfillment is so much more... filling. Something that means more to me than just happiness alone. With that being said, "love: a work in progress" is what love and happiness and gratitude feel like for me. These songs were so impactful to me & all have a purpose to this ever-growing "story". So I hope you enjoy, & thank you for taking the time to read this super duper long sappy post.

(also shoutout to those that truly showed me this life IS real & is pretty damn beautiful. You know who you are. I can't and will never be able to thank you enough for helping me see the things I couldn't see in both myself, and life. The past few months could easily have been the worst couple months of my life but they somehow managed to be incredibly eye opening and truly, truly beautiful. Ones that i'll never ever forget)

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Corbin, Shlohmo + D33J Show / Mourn First Impressions

Mourn: First Impressions

Ice Boy: This song is definitely one of my favorites on the album (for good reason.) Its just so satisfying and catchy to listen to, while being incredibly relatable. When this song first dropped I COULD NOT stop listening to it. This song came before the entire album, and I'd say I was down in the dumps at the time, so this song really resonated with current situations in my life. I wont even lie, i've cried multiple times to Ice Boy. I played this song at a party I was at and someone who's never listened to Corbin was like "oh man this song is so good, it has a 80's vibe but also... not really" and I couldn't agree more. The beat is very reminiscent of 80's music to me. 

Mourn: Mourn definitely has a different vibe to it than Ice Boy. Mourn reminded me of a period in my life where I wasn't actually stable at all but I tried my best to convince myself I was. I think Corbin genuinely is describing a feeling of relief, because he is reaching a stable point in his life after hardships. But personally, this song resonated better with relaying to a time I was unstable. Going back and listening to it though, in a much better place in my life, helps me hear this song entirely differently. I can actually see how going through trials in life can be rewarding in the end.

Giving Up: This song was a really powerful one. It was able to portray perfectly the feeling of lost hope. Not only in life, but in relationships and situations as well. Corbin describes how exhausting it can be trying to move forward and feeling like you're getting absolutely nowhere. I think we all have gotten to this point at one time or another where we are 100 percent sure we're going to throw in the towel because of how much effort we put into something, with no return. Its a feeling of both anger and frustration. Sometimes, giving up on things is what is best because you can understand not everything is meant to be. Giving up can actually be the best thing for yourself and another person when all you're doing is hurting. 

No Title: Im always particularly intrigued by songs that are untitled. It makes me wonder what exactly was going on in the artists head. Titles give a lot of meaning to things and actively  choosing to not give a title to something is impactful. It usually is because you feel confident enough in that something being clear enough to not need a title, or you genuinely do not feel any title can capture what you wish it could capture. This song also plays on the emotions of not feeling good enough. Even physical pain cant take away from how deep emotional pain can cut a person. 

Revenge Song: Revenge song truly hit home. Ive dealt with sexual assault firsthand and have seen people close to me go through it as well. The gut feeling reaction to hearing of someones assault is to take revenge. In any way you can. You want the person who hurt them punished. When hearing of someone close to you going through this, you want to do as much as you can for them, even though you know deep down you cant take away that trauma inside of them. I saw rage burn inside the eyes of those closest to me. A fire like none other. Revenge Song truly captures that anger.

All Out: I really like this song. I dont know if its because I listened to it repeatedly at a tough time, but either way, its such an incredible song. I remembered what it felt like to want to turn back the clock. Sometimes we try so hard to deny ourselves of something we know is best for us. We only do this because although its what is best, we know the journey there isn't an easy one. However, at some point, seeing what you deserve right in front of you, becomes frustrating. All Out is my anthem for taking that leap of faith I never thought I would take, and ending up in a place I only ever dreamed of. 

Hunker Down: Corbin talks about wanting to be with someone so badly you will do anything to prove to them, being together is the best thing. Long drives, listening to music, creating a home for the two of them. He does not care about anything except being with her. Once again, this song was special to me. Wondering how much time is left until you two are on the same page, while not wanting to waste any time not being with them. This song is the epitome of "all you need is me."

Something Safe: Something Safe embodies how a person can make you feel calm, and settle your mind. It's incredibly rare to find someone who quiets the noisy world we're surrounded by. Someone who can see completely through you and makes you a better person by simply being in your life. Sometimes we force ourselves to be alone because of how afraid we are of getting hurt, then that person comes along and makes it almost effortless to open up again. This song doesn't even make me feel sad, because it honestly describes something so beautiful.

The Fold Up: At first, I couldn't entirely relate to this song. However, I did love how it was put together like a story. You follow the journey of a death, and the pain of loss coupled with addiction. Corbin sings the chorus so beautifully, you can't help but be drawn in. I think someone going through a loss would really really be able to connect to this song on a deep level.

Dragged: This song also follows the story narrative of what seems to be an inevitably unhealthy relationship. There are times we try to make things work even when we know they aren't going to last. We have the best intentions and wish to only provide love and support but, end up only hurting them because we refuse to accept the idea of moving on. No matter how honest our efforts are, there is always a breaking point.

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Corbin, Shlohmo + D33j Show

I was able to make it to the Los Angeles Corbin, Shlohmo & D33j show on Friday September 8th. When this tour was first announced, I immediately bought tickets. I typically go to energy-filled hip hop shows but wanted a change of pace. After attending the Cuco show a few months ago, and enjoying the experience of a laid-back, vibey show, I knew I would love the Corbin show. I'll have a playlist of songs from all three artists at the bottom of this post so you guys could check it out!

The show started with D33J. I arrived a bit late because my bus decided to skip my stop and my friend had to pick me up, so we did not get to listen to all of D33J's set. Next was Shlohmo's set. It was so damn dope listening to his music live. The lighting pretty much only alternated between the colors red, blue, and purple throughout the entire show. I really liked that about it because there weren't any crazy visuals or  distractions. The set up was simple. It was pure enjoyment of the music. Shlohmo was so sincere with his music, and would say "thank you" after every single song he played haha. We were all like "Thank YOU!!!" He played two new songs for us and they were honestly incredible. The set was a good length, which I appreciated.

Corbin came out next and it was so cool that he just walked out so calm and collected, not trying to hype up the crowd for himself or anything. I wish I had written down the songs played, and in which order, but in all honesty I was just really enveloped in the music. I was originally going to write a first impressions on Mourn when it first came out, but I also wanted to experience it live to get the FULL experience of the album. Hearing Corbin perform the songs live, was definitely even more incredible than I could have imagined. Ok so, Corbin is a breathtaking performer. His music is undeniably emotional. The fact that he can convey the emotions in his music throughout every song he performs is truly remarkable. I had yet to experience a show that completely took me to anther place within myself. I wasn't even in a significantly unhappy mood at the time of this show. I actually was in a good place in my life but I could empathize with Corbin and the music so well. Its rare for me to say I enjoy live performances of artists notably more than their studio produced work, but I would definitely pick listening to Corbin live, before ANYTHING, ANYDAY. Corbin performed two new songs, which, LET ME TELL YOU, were beautiful! One of them is my new favorite even though I only have a short clip of it. TO TOP OFF THE ALREADY AMAZING SHOW, Corbin ended up bringing out Bobby Raps. Me and my friend joked about it before the show started like "omg imagine how dope it'd be if he brought out Bobby!" "Id cry if Bobby came out." They performed a good amount of songs together as well, which was greatly appreciated. Typically when artist bring out another artists they only perform one, maybe two songs together but they did about four.

I know the California dates kicked off the tour, I checked and all shows pretty much still have tickets available so if they're coming to your area and you haven't already decided to go, take my word for it and GO. You wont regret it. Even if you don't typically listen to these artists, I think it'd be a really cool show to expose yourself to something new. 

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Playlist & Clips From Show

Sunflowers (Playlist)

Let's begin with my profound admiration for sunflowers. I love them. Not very many things capture me like the radiance of a sunflower. 

I don't just praise them for their beauty. I now extend extreme gratitude towards them. 

A few months ago I fell into a really bad place. To say the very very least, I became numb. I no longer cared about anything at all. No energy, no will, nothing. I laid in my room for days on end. Refusing to do anything except... nothing. My family tried everything to pull me out. A plethora of boba, my favorite foods, even the gift of company, anything you could think of. Despite the efforts, nothing changed for me. But sunflowers... became something dear to my heart.

My bedroom is simple. My walls are painted grey, and anything in it is either white or black. No color. Simple greyscale. I loved the simplicity. I just never realized quite how dull it was until one particular day. I was laying in bed, listening to music. My mom had urged me to go to the store with her. She wanted me to get up and out of the house. Anything it took. I refused. Wanted to stay in bed. Soon after, she walks into my room holding a bouquet of sunflowers & says to me

 "I know it's not much... but I know how much you love sunflowers so I went to the store and got you some. I hope they cheer you up even a tiny bit." 

Now... let me tell you... beautiful isn't anywhere near descriptive enough. I really wish it were. It sounds cliche but it was, hands down, one of the most beautiful things to me. I smiled. My heart lit up. She got a vase and set them in my room for me. It served as some type of analogy to me and my life. I was dull. Surrounded by grey. Surrounded by such... lack of color in my life, so to speak. All the color had been wrung out and faded. And it wasn't until the beautiful cluster of yellow sunflowers were introduced into the setting that I realized how dull everything was, and had been. So I started making changes.

I wouldn't say I owe the shift in states in my life entirely to sunflowers. It was definitely a combination of things, people, places. However, sunflowers now serve as a symbol for me. A symbol of all the beauty I neglected to let myself see, accept, and feel.

I wish I could engulf myself in a field of sunflowers to feel that love I felt the moment my mom walked into my room that day, just once more. 

Ive compiled a playlist entitled "Helianthus". Helianthus, being, the common sunflower. I couldn't find a title more fitting. This playlist is comprised of songs that relay to all of the emotions I felt after that day. It was a mix of beauty and pain and love. I found no better way to portray those emotions than through music. Given, im not a creator of music, playlists are my equivalent to a musician writing a song or an artist painting a picture or a dancer choreographing a routine to express what they feel. You'll be able to find and make your own connections to this playlist. The flood of emotions alongside the journey of love is something everyone experiences. Sometimes we take for granted the pain that has to come with love. It builds us up. And allows for growth. Initially, I was making this playlist for a person. But as time went on and new experiences came at me, I realized I might've just been projecting my emotions. I was honestly just searching for love. & within the past few months I found all different kinds of it. 

Below are links to the playlist (both on Apple Music & Soundcloud) In the description of the playlists will be a more in depth description of the playlists themselves. I truly hope you enjoy, and I thank you for reading. I know this post was on the personal side (don't worry not all content will be this personal) but the reasons behind this blog in the first place are because of how strongly I feel connected to music and life experiences. I want to be able to get people to see they aren't alone and have healthy outlets for their emotions.

https://itunes.apple.com/us/playlist/helianthus/idpl.u-DdvoFyyaz8y

Welcome To Benevolent Flow.

 Welcome to Benevolent Flow. 

I don't really know where to begin...

I know this is a new concept and idea to most, if not all, of you, but let me try to explain where this is all beginning from. 

This has all been coming into play for a couple of months now, behind closed doors. 

If you know me, you know my love for music runs really deep. 

I'm no creator, but I do see music in a different light.

I want to be able to shed light on the more abstract, beautiful aspects of music. The side of music that truly hits hearts. 

Whether it be soft alternative, smooth rnb, or hard hitting hip hop that you're into, there's a reason for it. We delve deep to have our minds and souls be comforted by the music we surround ourselves with. Some of us do it knowingly, while others do it without even recognizing they're doing it. 

All I know is, I've crossed paths with some amazing artists. All of which who have profoundly impacted and inspired me. 

I don't find myself listening to music to just... listen. I listen to music with a purpose now. I believe any given situation, moment, or emotion, can be relayed back to music itself. 

My goal for Benevolent Flow is simply to inspire. Plain and simple. I want to inspire others to see music in the light it deserves to be seen in. I want to inspire others to view artists the way they deserve to be viewed. And most importantly, I want you to allow yourself to express the beauty of it all. 

I know this is all so vague. I can't give you a full break down of what this website has to offer or what it has in store... because quite honestly, I hope for it to grow and evolve off of the energy you guys feed it. I have a lot planned, but all in due time. So once again, welcome. I really truly hope Benevolent Flow serves as an extension of my love for music.