Energy Body (Playlist)

It has been a while since I let my energy body be felt more than my physical body.

The human, meaty, flesh suit is wondrous for completing tasks and navigating through this material world. It keeps me safe and protected. It gives me feet to feel grounded upon the floor and hands to hold memories in my palms. It is easy for me to forget how much energy rushes and surges through me and others around me. It is also quite easy to get caught up in seeing each other as characters, rather than these beautiful bodies of energy. When I get too wrapped up in the characters in my head, or the characters my mind forms thanks to what my eyes see, I have to come back to my soul. I have to come back to the essence of my being. The eyes can be deceiving, the brain matter can grasp at straws, but the energy never lies. Energy is never created or destroyed. It is only transformed, transmuted.

When I am steadily calling somebody out by name I remember names can be changed too. The name I thought I was tarnishing is bringing a smile to another one’s face. Most of the problems I face come from a stuck and stagnant perspective. I am quickly learning how to let my emotions run their course because soon enough I know I will return to love.

I compiled a playlist of music that brings me back to my energy body:

Black Box Warning (Playlist)

Hi guys,

Aight so, we’re getting real person here. Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about what music means to me or why art in general means so much to me. As I’m starting to really “find myself” (lol) I’m also coming to recognize that it means so much to me because it’s helped me in so many ways and done a lot for me indirectly.

Before I tell my story, I’m going to preface, I have been on medication for anxiety/depression and insomnia in the past. Im telling you guys all of this because summer of 2017, before I started all of this Benevelont Flow stuff, a girl was really going through it. My parents urged me to try that route. My experience wasn’t the prettiest. When I was first put on medication, I was warned of my medication holding a “black box warning.” A black box warning essentially means the chances of suicidal thoughts could possibly increase.That black box warning held its truth to say the least. I was in a rough place mentally and in all honesty all I had motivation to do was listen to music. I didn’t feel like myself while on medication. I was so spaced out that music was the only thing that I could space into. I was making playlists left and right back then because it was the only thing I wanted to do. I made one playlist in particular during that period of time in my life that I collected over the span of months because they made me feel like I was in a different world. Being on medication made me feel… well, medicated. Maybe it was the depression and medication cocktail going on in my body and brain that completely pulled me out of my world but the only thing that kept me feeling somewhat grounded was listening to music.

I came across my old medication recently while cleaning my room. Upon finding those old bottles, I also decided to go back to a playlist I remembered I had put together during this distinguishable time of mine. It brought up an overabundance of emotions but it also brought up the interesting idea for me to write this post and share my experience through music. Most of these songs I listened to when I was laying in bed all day and night. I listened to them because I didn’t even have to really hone in on the lyrics or anything, they just floated calmly through my earphones. Some of these songs, just remind me of that time in my life. It’s all a foggy mess of a memory but the music takes me back. There are so many playlists of mine hidden under private and this one in particular never saw the light of day because I didn’t know how to explain what it meant to me in simple terms. There’s no real theme or feeling behind this playlist. It’s just easy-listening. I hope you enjoy, and if you take nothing out of the playlist, I hope you see that there are rough patches in our lives sometimes that nothing can really grasp the depth of.

There will be a form below where you’re encouraged and able to share your experiences with me. Share some of your own personal “black box” songs that simply got you through the lowest of low dips in life. I want to allow others to share to show that its not as uncommon as its made to be. I want others to know that their experience, whether pleasant or unpleasant, is something they don’t need to be ashamed of. So please, use this as a safe space to open up. Share this post so that others can have a safe space also.

(Responses may be anonymously shared in next issue of magazine)

Its Not Fall Anymore But Let's Fall In Love (Playlist)

Hi,

I wanted to put something together for you guys to listen to this winter.

I’ve found summer and winter to be some of the hardest times of the year to get through, personally. I’ve had a few difficult, pivotal summers that dimmed the sunshine for me. However, I have tried my best to take every summer since then, for what it is. Winter, on the other hand, has been a rough time for a long time. Most of it started from Christmas’s with argumentative parents. Then, when I was 9 years old my grandma passed away. It was the first death I had ever experienced. I’ll admit I didn’t really know how to process the loss at that age but as the years went by and I observed my families processes, it started to hurt more. My family took the hit hard. My Nana was such a ray of light, warmth, and comfort to the family. My family is full of clashing personalities and characters, all of which she was always able to settle and calm down with love.

My mom losing her own mother was a pain I couldn’t and still am not capable of wrapping my head around. She lost herself for years when she lost her mother. Every winter, we braced ourselves for the solemn December. Crying. Unanswered questions. Anger. Frustration. Hopelessness. In the end though, we always found Strength.

Not only have my winters been tinged with sadness through my own experiences but I believe its come with realizing the year and everything that has occurred within that year, is ending. December rolls around and we reflect on the past 11 months of our lives. The wins, the losses, all of it. I don’t like to reflect on my losses simply because I don’t see them as losses at all. I embrace and thank everything and every moment for entering my life even if it’s for a single second. I relay everything back to love. Even in hurtful or upsetting situations, I’m still reminded of and taught to love. I used to become saddened at the absence of love, forgetting there is never an absence of love at all. I’ve lost loved ones but i’ve also found and strengthened love with others through those losses. & when others aren’t around, I take the time to love myself even more. Falling in love isn’t about kissing and hugging, but sharing and growing. Fall in love with the sun’s warmth on a breezy day. Fall in love with the way your dog greets you at the door. Fall in love with the outfit you picked for the day. Fall in love with your best friends ability to check in on you occasionally. Fall in love with your body allowing you to cry. Fall in love with the coffee shop down the street. Fall in love with the dinner your mom cooked. Fall in love with the people, places, and things you’ve neglected. Fall deeper in love with those you already love. Love is limitless and love is ever-growing.

I always turn to music when my own words can’t express my emotions. So, I put together this playlist to show you what my winter sounds like.

I want you all to know that no matter what you’re feeling or going through, you aren’t alone. Life is beautiful and love is everywhere. Don’t let yourself fall out of love with life. Its not fall anymore but lets fall in love.

No Vacancy (A playlist by Koren)

My friends and I are always sharing music with each other. They all have such beautiful, and diverse tastes. One night, I was on rabb.it (its pretty much a streaming service/site/app that allows you to share a screen with multiple people and watch/listen to the same thing at the same time) ((I highly recommend rabb.it for online hangouts with your friends)) with my friend Koren. He started to play music and I honestly was so captivated by his music choice. I knew he always had good taste but I had never seen this side of his music taste, in depth like this. So, I asked him if he'd put together a playlist for the blog. I really appreciate his music taste so I figure you guys will too. This playlist is so chill and dope. I love it. Every song has such a smooth, clean sound. 

I asked Koren if he wanted to write anything regarding his playlist, he said he just wanted to say "the playlist is dedicated to Uriel" <3

Aside from his amazing taste in music, Koren's just a talented guy all around.

He makes music, and is also super good with graphic design stuff. He actually has helped me out a ton with this blog, from posting for me when I couldn't, to creating the site layout itself, to just constantly supporting any content posted. 

If you need any beats, or artwork done for something please please hit him up. You wont be disappointed (He did the artwork for this playlist). I'll link his @ so you guys can hit him up if you ever need anything. 
 

Korens Twitter: @beatsbykoren

Love: A work In Progress (Playlist)

Hi guys!

So, in all honesty, when its come to this blog lately, i've had a bit of a "creative block" in a sense. But, instead of having a lack of ideas, its more-so an overflow of ideas. It'll make more sense as to why after I explain a few things.

Before I started this blog, I was battling my own "inner demons." I had hit my low. This bout with depression really overcame me. I was entirely unhappy. As melodramatic as it sounds, it's the truth. I felt true, genuine sadness and unhappiness with who I was and where I was in life. I really had no sense of self. & i'll say, if you've felt this, you know how altering it can be to everything you've ever felt was real before. I was pretty much always sad. It started becoming familiar. The feeling of sadness became something I was accepting and coming to terms with. I wasn't continuing to deny the obvious elephant in the room (which was my depression). I wasn't fighting it anymore. I wasn't looking for a way out, because I found one without even consciously realizing at first. All I wanted at this point was to feel sure of myself, and only myself.

I had convinced myself completely that the life I had wasn't real in order to subconsciously cope with my depression. I was convinced life wasn't real. That nothing and no one actually existed. Everything and every one around me was just some figment of my imagination. Everything in this world, I created. It was sort of a paradoxical mindset given, despite being incredibly reckless & not caring about anyone around me, I took a lot of new risks in my life. Risks i'll never regret taking because I am in a much better place in my life right now. & I wouldn't be here had I not stepped outside of my fear to face the unknown. I did have to find my personal balance though because being in that state of mind was also very toxic. But I think sometimes we have to recognize life as our own personal storybooks. The "Crybaby Mix 1" was pretty much a mix encompassing what I felt at the start of my journey. That mix came effortlessly for me because my emotions and feelings were distinct for me and all the songs I compiled really resonated with those tangible emotions."Helianthus", the first playlist I posted on this blog, also came easy for me because of how in tune I had already become with that sadness (which stemmed from my quest for self expression and love). So if you go back and listen, it has a sad but almost... excited feeling to it. I was excited by all the new risks in my life I was taking and WHERE they were taking me. However, as I said, I was centered in and by sadness. 

Now let me get back to my "creative block", as I mentioned at the beginning of this post. My "love: a short story" playlist, showcases how I started feeling lately: Happy. That playlist doesn't project contentment though. Instead, it exudes excitement of potential. And in all honesty thats a less embarrassing way of saying "still feeling pretty damn unsure about love and who I am". I didn't love myself enough to think I was enough for myself so I searched for any form of love others were willing to give me. How pathetic of me to title it "love: a short story" so as to trivialize love. Anyways, after that playlist is when the "creative block" struck me. It wasn't the happiness that was unfamiliar to me. No, i've been happy before. It was fulfillment that felt unfamiliar to me. Shortly after that playlist things significantly changed in my life. Overall. My family life, work life, love life, everything. THIS playlist, "love: a work in progress" was harder for me to put together because of how unfamiliar the feeling of fulfillment is for me (which leads back to my "creative block" being here because i'm still getting used to not just centering myself and finding balance in sadness, but different emotions instead. And its overwhelming having more than just downcast thoughts). I wanted to make a playlist that showed the other, not so cynical side of love. It is essentially the sequel to "love: a short story". It radiates... calmness. Something, the short story didn't really ever accomplish since it describes both the chase for love and the cease of love, rather than the actual feeling of love. A work in progress means acceptance of growth. This overwhelming feeling of love i've recently felt comes from more than just others. It comes significantly from within myself, to myself. I finally feel sure of myself as a person, enough to sincerely feel and express the whole concept of love. I guess the cliche "you cant love anyone else unless you love yourself first" actually holds complete truth. I'd like to describe this accomplishment as... fulfillment. Fulfillment is so much more... filling. Something that means more to me than just happiness alone. With that being said, "love: a work in progress" is what love and happiness and gratitude feel like for me. These songs were so impactful to me & all have a purpose to this ever-growing "story". So I hope you enjoy, & thank you for taking the time to read this super duper long sappy post.

(also shoutout to those that truly showed me this life IS real & is pretty damn beautiful. You know who you are. I can't and will never be able to thank you enough for helping me see the things I couldn't see in both myself, and life. The past few months could easily have been the worst couple months of my life but they somehow managed to be incredibly eye opening and truly, truly beautiful. Ones that i'll never ever forget)

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